If you ask someone where they like to sit on an airplane or what’s their favorite beverage, there is not a right or a wrong answer, there is only a preference.
When we listen to our own language and to the words others use, we often hear “right” or “wrong,” “good” or “bad,” and “should” or “shouldn’t.” These words usually come from a place of judgment and certainty. And when we use them we often find ourselves locked in arguments with others who make different judgement with equal certainty.
I would like to offer another approach. When you hear the words above, see if you can re-frame them into a context of preference. For example, instead of saying to yourself: “What’s happening right now is wrong and shouldn’t be happening!” we can step back and say: “I’m noticing that I have a preference to not be in this situation.” Then get curious about your preference. Conversely, when everything is flowing along and you are enjoying dinner out with family or friends, you could say “I’m noticing that I prefer to be right here, right now.”
If we can view the way we are experiencing our current life situation in terms of preferences, then we can also keep from getting attached and causing ourselves needless suffering. Instead of either clinging to or resisting the particular qualities of the moment, we can choose to notice what our preference is without getting emotionally hijacked in some way.
We can choose to approach life being certain about our judgements, or being curious about our preferences (and those of others). Which approach will you choose?
Interpersonal Communication Coaching 